I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
