i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
