i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
