You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
