Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
