My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
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Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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