Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
