She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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