Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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