Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
