I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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