i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
