More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
