I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
