Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
