I never want to see another naked old woman again.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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