There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
