Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
