I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
