Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nutella sex= disaster
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
