i was born a porn star she said
so let's talk penis.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.