you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?