Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now