Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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