the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
