I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
