he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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