i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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