Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
