At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
