Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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