before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
