Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Randomize
