Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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