Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
