I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
