I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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