i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
