I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
