pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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