sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Boobs are out for the taking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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