My first STD was from a foam party
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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