im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
