Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
