my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
