All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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