After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Randomize
