I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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