WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
