It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
