I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
