WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
