I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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