If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
