I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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