Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
