He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
