I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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